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VICAR LOSES COURT BATTLE
The Reverend Lavin was struck repeatedly with a policeman's baton during the recent visit of the Court Leet to the Duck and Gluepot Public house.
Often to be found raising spirits in local bars and clip joints, the vicar claims he was subjected to an unprovoked attack, and that PC Randall struck him twice during the hour long fight.
The landlady administered relief to his swollen ankle and groin, then dressed him.
Muddlecombe's Police Inspector Andy Masonic said "I can confirm that a complaint of assault has been made, but we will not be investigating it."
No member of the Court Leet was capable of commenting.

GRAVE NEWS
Police arrested the Reverend Lavin yesterday following the discovery of several bodies buried in the village churchyard. He was released after a visit to the bank




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NATIVITY PLAY CANCELED
Interviewed today at the Muddlecombe Village Hall, Reverend Lavin said that, yet again, the Nativity Play would be canceled as he couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

DUCK & GLUEPOT TO CLOSE
It has been anounced by the Landlord of The Duck & Gluepot that the pub will close at 11pm each night (10.30pm Sundays).

VILLAGE
BY-PASS CANCELED
After being rushed to Muddlecombe Cottage Hospital last night, the Squire was discharged this morning when it was decided that a triple by-pass operation was unnecessary. Dr Strewth said: "He faked a heart attack in the Duck & Gluepot when it came to his round".

WANDERER WANDERS
Toby (chopper) Edam, the Muddlecombe Wanderers star defender, who last week admitted to being an alcoholic, has signed for the Spanish club Real Ale Madrid. The three year contract is thought to be worth £55.

STONE CIRCLE DISCOVERED
Work was stopped today on the proposed development of the 'Old Queens Head' (closed in 1869). The plan for a new gay bar involved widening of the rear entrance in Mincing Lane for easier access. Archaeologists are now camped out and examining the ring.

Beer and Spam
maketh a
Muddlecombe Man